Everyone has talents. Some people can fit their fist in their mouth, others can shotgun a Natty Light in four seconds flat, some Photoshop dozens of cats into pictures of their friends. My personal talent is a bit more subtle, but perhaps more useful: Wherever I go, I find the best bathrooms, and – as a product of the process, the worst. Whether in the rugged wilderness of New Zealand (2nd outhouse on the Greenstone trail has a great view) or in downtown Manhattan (steer clear of Hunter College), I make a point to perform thorough research to find the spot for the dopest defecation. I’ve embarked on a lifelong mission – the Quest for the Perfect Pooping Place.
After four years of research at Bryant, I’ve decided to share my experience for the first time, with only one month left! I will no longer be able to apply my secret knowledge, and so seek to fulfill my need for generativity by passing down this knowledge to the next generation of students, to you. You, the reader, are a special kind of student. You aren’t satisfied with the same dirty toilets that your peers frequent every morning and night; you don’t view going to the bathroom as a bodily necessity but as an opportunity for spiritual epiphany. It is to these ambitious maximizers that I dedicate this piece.
Bryant is a special case in the world of waste – with the volume of laxatives I suspected are baked into the food at Salmo, you’re going to have to take the Browns to the Superbowl more often than our collegiate counterparts. Even as a senior, the quality of the food you’re able to afford puts you in the same predicament. This unique quality not only emphasizes the importance of finding the best bathrooms, but also increases the value placed on the factor of isolation – as any obvious spot is going to be filled every time you’re prairie dog-sprinting into the closest loo after a hearty breakfast of omelets and sausage. I do realize that by revealing the locations of the best bathrooms on Bryant’s campus, I am simultaneously injuring their special status, but it is my sincere hope that by altering the patterns of where to poop on campus, I will thus create a new dynamic for the elite explorers who follow me to investigate and conquer.
Allow me to begin our journey where I began mine, in Hall 15. I have fond memories of my freshman year dorm and the community we created, but not of the eternally clogged toilets on the fourth floor. Instead of waiting helplessly for janitorial help with the other peons, avoid the congestion by visiting this little-utilized, hidden bathroom: As you enter the hall, walk all the way to the back of the lobby and enter the corridor; immediately turn right and walk down the hallway, making sure to pass the first bathroom on the right – as this one, too, will undoubtedly be overpopulated, and instead continue on all the way to the end of this hallway to find a bathroom on your right equipped with a handicapped stall and the comfort of relative isolation. Be sure to cover your escape, though, and return to your own floor via a different stairway than the one nearest this bathroom so as to not arouse suspicion of your clandestine activities.
Next, the Bryant Center (because I refuse to call it the Fisher Student Center and acknowledge its renovated Connecticut rest stop aesthetic motif). Although I lament many of the changes made in the recent renovation, there is one that I simply cannot deny my appreciation for: the most beautiful bathroom on campus. With extreme cleanliness, modern stone styling, and a frosted glass window that lets in the ideal amount of light, this onesie is the
place to be. Luckily for us, it also happens to be out of plain sight for the masses of students who mysteriously elect to study in a loud building with ubiquitous distraction. To get to this reflective temple, head to the second floor and walk towards room 2a/2b, continuing on beyond these rooms to find the door to your personal porcelain palace on the right.
Next up is my personal favorite, the best of the best, the most isolated and warmly-lit spot on campus: The Interfaith Center. Although one may stumble across the other two I’ve mentioned accidentally, few students make it to the IFC and so sadly few experience the serenity of the most peaceful bathroom on campus. Pop a squat here and relax in the complete comfort of knowing that no one will interrupt your date with disconnection – only satisfying plops and splashes will punctuate your poop. If you have your choice of relieving yourself anywhere on campus and you’ve got time to spare, choose the IFC and emerge renewed. Walk into the building from the uni side, head straight, and look to the right side for this precious gem.
Honorable mentions on campus include the back stall on Koffler’s second floor men’s room, earning recognition not for its aesthetic qualities, which leave much to be desired, but for the wealth of graffiti, including a current working list of the illuminati, in one of the few places at Bryant where the student voice is actually expressed. It is also worth mentioning here the handicapped stall on the second floor of the library – the library is severely lacking in options, but the added room and the reduced traffic from its second floor-positioning make this the best in the building. Finally, I conclude by noting the onesie on the first floor of hall 17, next to the entrance to Ronzio’s. It doesn’t come close to stacking up to the Bryant Center palace, but if you’re out on the weekends regrettably buying a slice or two (shame on you it’s horrifically overpriced) then convenience here is your friend, and it also makes for a decent yak receptacle if you took one too many water bottles of Burnett’s to the face.
There are of course numerous other bathrooms on campus worthy of accolades for the unique niche they occupy in the plumbing network, but I must leave a bit to the imagination so that some other ambitious soul might build on my work upon the conclusion of his time here. Never underestimate the power of a good poop. I implore you not to settle for clogged toilets and loud stalls but to strive for excellence in excrement. May your poops be plentiful and your curiosity relentless.